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Perfectionism

Perfectionism

Hasty: done or acting with excessive speed or urgency; hurried.

Perfectionist: a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.

Prophet Muhammad (S) said: The hasty one neither covers the desired distance nor separece the back of his means of transportation. (Albazzar)

The scholars explain that the “hasty one” is the one who lost the companionship of his fellow travelers because he caused his mount to become fatigued. The perfectionist is similar to the hasty one: he/she asks others to do more than what they can bear, and in the process he causes them to be fatigues. This is not healthy behavior, especially when dealing with your Muslim children.

If you are a Muslim parent out there who is hasty and aims for perfection; then there’s probably a few things you need to work on within yourself, before we can discuss the ways to initiating change within your Muslim children. Here’s a few points you need to think about and answer honestly for yourself these 5 questions...

2) Do you think in all-or-nothing terms? → Some Things your Muslim kids do or say is either right or wrong, good or bad, perfect or a complete disaster. You tend to think in one extreme or the other, rather than seeing the characteristics of your Muslim child and situations existing along a continuum. For example, you tend to think, "Hibba is mean,” instead of, “Hibba can sometimes be mean.”

3) Do you trust your Muslim child to do a task correctly? → When parting your child,  you rarely delegate. Your Muslim child may see you as a micro-manager or control-freak, but you, Mom & Dad see your actions as just wanting to get the job done right. This is a huge mistake! SHIFT YOUR THINKING:  When your Muslim child trusts you, they have confidence in your decisions Mom and Dad. Even in uncertainty, they will be influenced by your leadership and trust your judgment.

3) Do you have demanding standards for yourself and your Muslim kids? → Muslim parents with this mindset believe in always giving your best and you expect others to do the same. And you are scared to death of looking like a failure in front of your Muslim family & community. SHIFT YOUR THINKING: Don’t get me wrong...standards for kids with bounders is a good thing.  

5) Do you use the word “should” a lot to your Muslim kids? . “Raheem, you should do this," and “Haneen, you should do that,” may be common phrases, both out loud and inside your head. You have certain “rules” you believe that you, and your Muslim kids, should follow. And when those rules aren't followed, you are not pleased. SHIFT YOUR THINKING: Assuming your Muslim kids “should” know will only lead to more misunderstanding. You are their guild Mom & Dad. Take the time to explain & communicate with your child the “should” they “should” know.

6) Do you think, and then act, in extremes towards your Muslim kids? Have you ever acted on a sentiment like this, more than once?: "You had one chance and you didn't follow through what I asked you to do...I might as well take all your toys away.” SHIFT YOUR THINKING:

“Parents fail to see the sickness of perfectionism gestates in the fertile gap between our noble visions for our Muslim kids and our mediocre reality.”

And yet our problems do not ultimately arise in our love of perfection per se. They lie in our reckless tendencies as parents, to under-budget for the difficulties of achieving it.

 

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